interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
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A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
just pretend nothing happened
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.