Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
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If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER