Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
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My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep