[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
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You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.