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me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
dads on road-trips be like
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China