[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
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how it started vs how it ended
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.