It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
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I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.