Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
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My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?