I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
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[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Namaste
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.