I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
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A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?