I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
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The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.