“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
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Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.