my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
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Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.