A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
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Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder