Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
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Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.