Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
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I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Festive toon…
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.