What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
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*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.