I’m a bad influence on myself.
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ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
That’s not how days work.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Do one person every day that scares you.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked