“I took care of your clown problem.”
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*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
they split up moments later
I love wikipedia
Today’s Times
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot