[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
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I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
How to wake up a Beagle
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx