I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
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From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
There is wisdom there.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
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What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.