[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
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It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*