Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
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me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”