ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
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You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.