who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
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GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous