Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
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Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
He’s dead
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”