Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
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“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
White Castle for the Win
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!