My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
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*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.