[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
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ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Lmao
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Rambo Rambow
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.