Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
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A completely valid reaction tbh
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.