Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
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If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
The Friday File.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card