I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
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Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Brother?
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
there’s probably a fee though
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.