That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
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As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My god she’s good.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
The Book. The Movie.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.