[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
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Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
He’s dead
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.