Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
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Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.