Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
You Might Also Like
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you