(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
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Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.