3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
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12653.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.