When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
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Day 2 of my diet
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Things will get butter, keep churning
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*