Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
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Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot