“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
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[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
When you’re here for the treats.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.