Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
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I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?