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A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.