dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
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Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on