My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
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Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
If you know, you know 😂🚔
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again