If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
You Might Also Like
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan