“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
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Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
That eye roll….
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…