8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
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[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Hello Twits.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit