Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
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One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
we’re gonna need another temp
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Which wines pair best with gloating?
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?