Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
You Might Also Like
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.